One day, just after Thanksgiving, I arrived at the clinic in time to witness two technicians trying to get a 40-pound dachshund to throw up.
“Boy that’s the biggest, fattest dachshund I’ve ever seen,” I observed.
“Well he’s even fatter than usual after eating a turkey leg, “said one of the technicians.
Soon, the hydrogen peroxide mixture was doing its job and the dog was heaving miserably into a bucket.
“How did the dog get to the turkey?”
I asked. “I mean it’s a big dachshund but it still has those short little legs.”
“Oh, at about two in the morning the dog snatched the turkey off the coffee table,” another vet tech mentioned casually.
“Why was the dog prowling around the house in the middle of the night, and besides, who leaves a turkey out all night on a coffee table?” I wondered out loud, my housekeeping sensibilities offended.
About an hour later I noticed there was still a dachshund sitting on the exam table, but this one looked considerably smaller.
“Is that the same dog I saw before that ate the turkey?” I asked. “He looks so little now. He must have thrown up the whole bird.”
“This dog ate turkey all right,” Dr. Marc told me. “But it’s the other dog’s sister. They both stuffed themselves but the bigger dog got the lion’s share.”
During my next visit to the clinic, I noticed a tiny black and brown dog the size of a Chihuahua. The poor dog, which must have weighed all of three pounds, was standing on the exam table shivering and shaking.
“What’s wrong with this little guy?”
“It ate a ham” one of the technicians said.
“That dog’s not even as big as a ham,” I observed. Then, remembering the coffee table turkey I added, “How could it have snatched a ham? Where was this ham? On the floor?”
“I don’t know,” Marc sounded exasperated. “Owners didn’t even realize the ham was gone. Besides, this is nothing new. Had a beagle in here that ate a whole ham as well.”
“Why are there so many untended hams and turkeys around?”
I wondered aloud as the small dog started vomiting. The clinic was turning into a support group for bulimics.
“You know,” I mentioned to Marc, “it seems they should change that expression, ‘eats like a pig’ to ‘eats like a dog.’”